A short story I wrote by ‘mind writing’ which is what I call the process of writing without pause for thought or after editing. I turn off the outside and write down the pure thoughts from my mind. Emily and I were discussing how we always react to eachother’s deeper feelings and she gave me the subject ‘our souls are made from the same star. I wrote this in about 15 minutes, enjoy 🙂
Losing the Light
It’s cold here. We hang in the atmosphere hundreds of thousands of miles away from anything, from anyone. We float around in the air, there is no sound and not much to see but we have each other and that is perfect. The world around us is black but all I see in her is light. It isn’t a hard, harsh light but a soft, warm light. The light embraces us both. We float. We survive. We love.
After what seems like an eternity something happens. We break apart. We break away. I try to reach out or float back but there’s nothing but darkness. The light has gone and I’m falling. I’m falling down into more and more darkness. The silence is frightening now and I don’t want to be alone, not out here. Is this forever?
I fall and fall and eventually I see light again. It isn’t her but a planet. It’s a blue and green planet with an atmosphere that draws me in as I fall. There’s a flash of warming light somewhere far away as I drop into the atmosphere. Surely not, it seems too far, 4000 miles away is too far. It couldn’t be her. She must be near. She must be.
I fall so fast I fall unconscious. More darkness. More silence. More nothing. I am alone. I wonder why we were made to be together so long only to be ripped apart. I feel empty and lost.
A sound. There’s a cringing, loud sound from nearby. I see again, there is light but it is cold hard light and I struggle with the brightness of it. I see through eyes. I see a being next to me. What is this? Where am? Where was I? What… was I?
I’m an adult, a grown up female, human being. I have a job and friends and a family that I live with. I live in England; it’s cold here 90% of the time. The other 10% we tend to complain that it is too hot. We drink tea and moan a lot. Sometimes I feel sad and then I feel a bit lost. I fall into this abyss where I struggle to move, not physically but in my mind. The abyss is cold and dark and it haunts my dreams sometimes. Sometimes when I’m in the abyss I see this light, it’s a warm comforting light and it melts the abyss away. I can never really see it and I can’t be sure where it comes from but it makes all of the darkness feel okay.
I made a friend online.
We’ve spoken every day for the last few months. She has this light about her that makes me feel not so dark at times. She lives in America so the sun always shines there; I suppose that’s why I see the light in her.
We stopped speaking. I couldn’t tell you when, or how long it has been, but it feels like an eternity. Her face appears in my head sometimes from nowhere like a lighthouse on the shore and I’m in the waves- they become the abyss sometimes. They carry me along, not gently, they tear at me and try to pull me down to crush me; sometimes they do. Sometimes I’m falling to the ocean floor and I feel like I’ve felt this before, this never ending falling and everything is dark and everything is silent even though the waves crash around me. Nothing seems stable anymore. Everything is sometimes; everything is maybe, only one thing remains- darkness.
I try to understand why the abyss latches on to me or why I just cannot escape it. I have friends and family and people around me and a busy job that keeps my mind sharp and my body moving but any second I stop and think it gets hold of me. I feed it with my negative energy and it feeds on my soul in return.
My soul doesn’t feel all there. It feels like part of it is in the abyss, maybe that’s why I keep falling. Is that what I’m looking for?
It seems strange at first but we start talking again. We apologise for a while. She seems flat. I feel flat.
We speak everyday as before. I don’t have time for the abyss. I can feel it try to take hold of me sometimes but I shake it off. It’s feeble and tired. I can feel the darkness but I turn it down. Not today.
She books a flight to meet me. I have to remind myself that we haven’t met. Not physically at least but we have met. I can feel her, I know her and she knows me, every last bit, maybe even the parts I don’t yet know myself.
We speak about tattoos, matching ones, a sun and a moon. I’m the moon because when we speak it is evening here and she is the sun because when we speak it is daylight. Daylight… she is like daylight. I don’t need to have met her to feel the warmth that beams off of her skin. I can feel it from her words and from her voice. She embodies lightness.
One star, two souls
I wait at the airport. It is so early, too early for me but not too early for me to see her. It was a groggy, dull morning and I drink caffeine although I don’t really need it because my heart pounds a million times an hour and I can’t sit or stand still I move around so many times the security start to look at me strange. I take that as a sign to find my spot. The board says she’s here but no familiar faces come through the exit. I try not to shuffle.
Then she’s there. She’s wearing green but all I see is this beaming light. My body feels warm and light and… No that’s not my body it’s my soul. I feel my soul but it isn’t only mine. I look at her as she walks closer and my very core burns like fire. The light takes over me and there’s silence all around, a silence so familiar I stop seeing everything around us. There’s only darkness but it’s soothing. I feel like I’m floating.
I found you.
Header image taken by Daniel John Cotton Wall / @CottonWallTog